Social Networking and YOUR kids

If I don't flood your inboxes/social network pages with photos of my cats then you shouldn't flood mine with pictures of your children.  Word! Non-Breeders Unite!

500 Calories Burned a Day

So peeps, for a while I have been in complete protest of mothers breastfeeding beyond the time a toddler has a full set of teeth. For example: If your child can chew any meat product, it is gross if they are chewing on mommy's breast too. Well, I must make a confession of some guiltiness here....I don't feel guilty fundamentally, yet I do have a guilty reason I object so vehemently. What is it you might ask...humph...I regret to tell you, aside from the fact that it is kind of gross and Oedipal, in a way, especially if said toddler is male, I can't stand the fact that these grossly over breast milked toddlers are burning 500 calories a session for their breast feeding mommies. I mean seriously, I have friends that are way skinnier and hotter then they were before they got pregnant. In retrospect they were a far-less stunning looking self prior to getting knocked up, compared to post 2 years plus of breast feeding their child. Some of these children in question are getting the tit into the their 3rd, 4th or 5th year of life and that is just not right. It is so completely frustrating that in order for me to burn 500 calories, I need to run a plural amount of miles, which sucks, in order to equal those breast feeding mommy's burning the same amount by sitting on the asses and just letting their walking, talking in complete sentences, steak chewing kids, suck on their boobs. I officially believe their is no justice in the world because of this freaking law of nature. I have one friend who, as long as I have ever known her, has always been a size 12, yet after having a baby and nursing it until it went to kindergarden, is currently down to a size 4, with no exercise or dieting involved! It is soooo unfair that breast feeding is effectively doing cardio without the horrors of doing cardio. Burning from 500 to 1500 calories a day by popping out a boob makes me want to slap a bitch. So Unfair!!! I almost want to have a child just to lose weight; I know CPS is ready for my ass already but do you see the injustice here??? I know it isn't right, but if I have to suffer these procreation's all encompassing crying, friend stealing, false profit parental worship, the least a mommy could do is keep the f'ing baby weight on and stop popping out the nipple in front of me.

Are you wearing your children's clothing?

I recently visited suburban America, yes I am an urban snob, and while I was there I noticed a few too many grown women wearing what looked like children's clothing. To give you an example, I stopped in at a local dive bar with my friend, who sadly is stuck in suburban hell due to a house purchase situation, and there was this 40 something woman sitting at the bar having a tall cocktail, smoking a cigarette and wearing a Winnie the Pooh cast of characters on her overall bib. First of all, at 20 one should realize that overalls can only be worn while tilling the land or if you are 5 years old. Secondly, you are way too old to be sporting Winnie the Pooh on your chest if you are over the age of 11 or 12. And last but not least, I do believe Pooh would disapprove of any of his followers/fans smoking and drinking in his presence. With all that said I also want to mention to these grown ups running around with Pooh and Disney characters embroidered onto their clothing...Please get out of children's closets. It is creepy. Look at your 5 year old son/daughter or grandson/grand-daughter and then imagine them at 30 leaving the house to have a shot and a beer wearing the same type of outfits they are currently wearing. So wrong, right? It is time to grow up and put your big boy/girl pants on people and please keep Pooh out of the bars.

Mommy Censorship

I have a girlfriend who once introduced me to her very good girlfriend, Vicky. Prior to the introduction, I had heard many stories about this Vicky person and when I was finally introduced, my friend said meet my  friend 'Vicky'. Well, the reason I am starting this post with this story is so that you get the idea of how off putting being constantly corrected can be. Within my first meeting of Vicky I was constantly told by Vicky that her name is NOT Vicky but Victoria. She must have told me every time I in-took a breath to start a sentence. It truly got to the point that I no longer wanted to converse with Victoria ever again. Which leads me to my latest conversation ender....The mommies, who are my friends, that insist on censoring my potty mouth. Yes I have the tendency to talk like a sailor, but it is usually used to add the color to a story that used to make my mommy friends laugh, obviously pre-baby. Is it really my responsibility to change the way I verbally express myself in order to save your precious child's ears? Or could it be that these mommies are scared that their 2 year olds will ruin their social reputations if the word 'bitch' slips out of their mouths? Which, mind you, I would find hilarious being that bad aunty that will spoil your child senseless. Well, this week I ended a visit with my mommy friend, earlier than I had planned, after being corrected for the 12th time, mid-sentence, due to a curse word I had used. Seriously her 2 year old was in his stroller, who I might add was busy paying absolutely no attention to us. So my question is: Mommies is it your job to censor grown ass adults or to teach your children to speak the way you think is appropriate or that meets your moral code? I am getting the feeling that I am going to be the one these mommies are going to try and teach this lesson too. My answer is, have you ever heard the old saying "never teach an old dog new tricks"? I implore you ladies to realize your babies are sponges and yes they will mimic adult words but you can teach them right from wrong. You can even punish them if they utter a curse word, so that they can learn that they are not allowed to curse until they are old enough to pay their own bills, like I do. Until then, enjoy baby einstein, diapers, and lots of alone time with you child because try as I might I know I will still pepper my language with curse words and, guess what,  you're not MY mommy!

Babies in Bars! WTF?!?!

After many hours of the day navigating around strollers, attempting to be polite as little toddlers run and scream in the grocery store and when trying to enjoy dining out as the baby next to me cries and throws food everywhere, I finally make it to a bar for some adult baby free time. Just after I order a stiff drink and sink down onto my barstool to relax, in walks a man and woman with their baby in tow! What the hell is happening, is there no escape?!?! Just when I thought I could go to the one place where a baby isn't welcomed, all of the sudden the bartender is out from behind the bar cooing over this freakin' baby. No doubt the baby is cute, as babies go, but give me a break. Seriously. Why?!?! Shouldn't this situation be frowned upon? Did something in social etiquette change when I wasn't paying attention? Well, of course the baby proceeded to cry and wail as every drunk in the place shoved their faces in it's carrying device to goo-goo, but did theses parents leave? No. And when I scoffed about it to my friend on the next barstool I was met with evil looks from just about every person in the joint, like I was the boogie man out to snatch your child and hand it off to the gypsies. Well bring it on peeps! The way I see it is until your baby can down a dry martini as a party trick, I wouldn't mind the gypsies coming around to regulate and level the playing field.

Learning to pole vault jog strollers...

On Saturday morning I went with a friend to shop at the Farmer's Market, where we go weekly to shop for various fruits and veggies. It was a beautiful day and as usual the market was busy. Navigating through the large crowd, I found it to be a bit of a challenge as I tried to select my items. I worked hard to be patient, courteous and friendly as I slowly made my way through the throngs of people who were trying to do the same thing. I understand we are all in the same boat here except for one group, mommies with jog strollers! Seriously, what is up with the enormous jog strollers everywhere where their babies have the advantage of growing from ankle biters to shin destroyers? There seemed to be an ever growing sea of them coming from all sides!!! Meandering from stall to stall had become more like a pole vaulting competition as I tried to get around these tanks with a baby nestled inside.  I even had one mother glare at me as my shopping bag accidentally grazed her precious BMW of strollers. What ever happened to the efficient collapsable strollers??? Have they gone out of vogue??? Are these jog strollers status symbols??? Or is it absolutely necessary for your baby to take up more room than three grown bi-pedal adults???! Well watch out mommies, next week I"m coming back with an old fashioned metal grocery cart, maybe with my neighbor's pit-bull 'Spike" nestled inside, and then we'll see who can be more indignant.

Non-Breeders Unite!

Being a married woman in my 30's I am constantly being bombarded by the classic question..."So, when are you going to have children??" It comes from all places at all occasions. From the parental units, from the breeder friends and even from practical strangers. Classic question or not, I feel the need to fight back as a confirmed non-breeder. I can, but I won't. Plain and simple. So I embark on this adventure to find like minds where I and other non-breeders can vent, chat about our next 'child free' vacation or to come up with clever answers to that invasive, rude and classic question: "When are you having children?' Answer for today??? When they come with a remote control with a mute and pause button.